Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
FUCK WHALES
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
