I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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