Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
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Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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