Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
