Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
