remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
