Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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