my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
