So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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