We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
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I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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