chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
