Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
