omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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