Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
