My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
