Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
