In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
