Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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