So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
