my phone needs a breathalizer
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
