I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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