Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
