census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
