You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
