Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
