Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
