Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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