i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
