I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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