I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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