all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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