i permit you to call me
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
