i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
