For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you mean i was at the winter classic?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
