I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
