dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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