why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
