We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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