What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
