I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
