Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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