mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
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Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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