best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
