Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
