she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
