mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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