Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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