theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
