Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
