Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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