Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He passed out mid-signature
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
