Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Two words: blizzard sex
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
