I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
And then my night got REAL pukey
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
