i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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