He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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