that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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