i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
