to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
